Running on empty

I am still here honest. Thank you for all your concern and kind words. It’s greatly appreciated trust me.

I’m kind of “running on empty” at the moment with not much energy for anything – hence lack of posts. I couldn’t be bothered to log in properly so I could leave proper comments! Mind you – I couldn’t even construct a proper sentence really! I have been reading your posts and blogs though.

I’m a little bit happier; having had all sorts of deep and meaningful conversations with people. I’m on anti-depressants again. From past experience I know they’ll help both to keep me calmer and make it easier to eat. I’m also on a waiting list for some counselling. You’re all right. I think I really need a change. Damn this “credit crunch” and what it will do to the employment market!

I’ve had a blood test and been to the hospital to have my lumps and bumps inspected. There’s nothing to be worried about on both accounts apparently, which is great. The lumps and bumps are probably just because I’m thinner at the moment. Funny how your body can play tricks on you isn’t it? But I guess it’s its way of saying “hey! look here – something isn’t right”. In my case it’s “life, the universe and everything” that isn’t right.

I’m off work next week. Not signed off this time, but instead it’s my delayed holiday week from September. I have quite a lot of bits and pieces to do for the drama group (which is what I was meant to be getting started on this afternoon, except I’ve ended up fiddling with a few photos instead), and I would like to spend a couple of days just doing nothing in particular as well. Maybe go for a walk etc.

I’m also considering the possibility of “adopting” a retired greyhound. I’m not going to rush into anything though. I love dogs, and greyhounds don’t actually need all that much exercise (short, sharp bursts), but it’s still a big commitment, although living with another living, breathing creature may well do ME some good. (And hopefully be good for the dog!) Anyway – we shall see.

I shall leave you with a picture of some faded roses (a symbolic representation of my own current ‘faded’ status! ). One of my friends bought them for me when I was off work. They were very pretty. They’re still pretty now – in a faded way! Probably time to be thrown out now though.

Number 42

(The answer to life, the universe and everything.)

Well – I ended up signed off for three weeks. I go back to work on Monday. I am absolutely dreading it. I’ve been in and out of the doctors 6 times over the last three weeks. There’s been a lot of tears and although to a some extent I do now feel a bit ‘rested’ I have never been so confused in my life. The only thing I’m certain about is I do not like my job. LOL

I seem to have worked myself up into a bit of state over the job and got thoroughly run down and “angst ridden”. I’ve also lost almost a stone and a half over the last few months and since I only weighed not quite 8 stone to start off with, that’s quite a lot. (I’m only 5 ft and a smidge.) I’ve lost weight from bad times before. Worse than this – ended up in hospital for a night – and I don’t want to descend into that again. I don’t do anxiety very well. It’s as if the whole of me gets scrunched up – including my tummy – and it becomes impossible to eat properly. It’s very unpleasant. I’m being recommended for counselling.

The thing on my forehead hasn’t quite gone yet. I’m now smearing antibiotic cream on it 3 times a day. I’ve had most parts of me prodded and poked by the doctor. I’ve got a few lumps and bumps in places I’d rather not have lumps and bumps, but I get the impression from the doc that it’s most likely stress or hormonal related.

I’ve been playing the lottery religiously just in case, but no luck yet….so back to the hell-hole it is. Although I keep telling myself, that if I’m instantly wound up I just walk out of there and get signed off again. It’s not worth getting poorly over. I’m back to the docs on Tuesday anyway to have the lumps and bumps prodded at again.

My friends and family have been brilliant though. As well as weeping, I’ve done quite a bit of ‘talking’ which has been lovely. I suspect ‘not talking’ (because I live on my own and have no immediate family to get things off my chest to) has been one of the reasons I’ve got so wound up in the first place. I’m quite sure that if I had a partner to keep bringing an income in, I would have left my current workplace now.

I’ve done practically nothing these last three weeks. I’ve read a couple of books and “watched” loads of daytime TV, but I’ve had zero concentration for anything sensible. Assuming work isn’t too horrendous when I get back, I really need to try and think properly about what I want to do. Which is far too scary and grown-up.

Anyway, this isn’t meant to be a whinge fest, so I’ll leave it here for now.