Number 42

(The answer to life, the universe and everything.)

Well – I ended up signed off for three weeks. I go back to work on Monday. I am absolutely dreading it. I’ve been in and out of the doctors 6 times over the last three weeks. There’s been a lot of tears and although to a some extent I do now feel a bit ‘rested’ I have never been so confused in my life. The only thing I’m certain about is I do not like my job. LOL

I seem to have worked myself up into a bit of state over the job and got thoroughly run down and “angst ridden”. I’ve also lost almost a stone and a half over the last few months and since I only weighed not quite 8 stone to start off with, that’s quite a lot. (I’m only 5 ft and a smidge.) I’ve lost weight from bad times before. Worse than this – ended up in hospital for a night – and I don’t want to descend into that again. I don’t do anxiety very well. It’s as if the whole of me gets scrunched up – including my tummy – and it becomes impossible to eat properly. It’s very unpleasant. I’m being recommended for counselling.

The thing on my forehead hasn’t quite gone yet. I’m now smearing antibiotic cream on it 3 times a day. I’ve had most parts of me prodded and poked by the doctor. I’ve got a few lumps and bumps in places I’d rather not have lumps and bumps, but I get the impression from the doc that it’s most likely stress or hormonal related.

I’ve been playing the lottery religiously just in case, but no luck yet….so back to the hell-hole it is. Although I keep telling myself, that if I’m instantly wound up I just walk out of there and get signed off again. It’s not worth getting poorly over. I’m back to the docs on Tuesday anyway to have the lumps and bumps prodded at again.

My friends and family have been brilliant though. As well as weeping, I’ve done quite a bit of ‘talking’ which has been lovely. I suspect ‘not talking’ (because I live on my own and have no immediate family to get things off my chest to) has been one of the reasons I’ve got so wound up in the first place. I’m quite sure that if I had a partner to keep bringing an income in, I would have left my current workplace now.

I’ve done practically nothing these last three weeks. I’ve read a couple of books and “watched” loads of daytime TV, but I’ve had zero concentration for anything sensible. Assuming work isn’t too horrendous when I get back, I really need to try and think properly about what I want to do. Which is far too scary and grown-up.

Anyway, this isn’t meant to be a whinge fest, so I’ll leave it here for now.

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7 Responses to “Number 42”


  1. 1 Katie October 5, 2008 at 1:21 am

    I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so bad, but it’s great that you’ve got family and friends to talk to (and, it sounds like you have doctor. Hope things look up soon!

  2. 2 nathaliewithanh October 5, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Sounds like a wee bit of depression really. No concentration, weeping, stressing out, not feeling happy? Er, has your doctor perhaps suggested some meds to help with these issues?
    You mentioned that if you had someone bringing steady income into the household, you would probably be working another job now… But the best way to find a job is when you still have your old one. You should really consider a job search.

  3. 3 Thursday October 5, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    I’m with Nathalie, another job needs to be found. I get the impression that you’ve not felt in control of your role at work with the recent changes so take back your control by getting another job which challenges but gives s sense of achievement and enjoyment. Try to enjoy tomorrow – hell, you have a secret as, if you get it together, you won’t be there for much longer. Ha!

  4. 4 Jen October 6, 2008 at 5:56 am

    Definitely a new job required – it’s not worth making yourself ill over. Talking does help immensely and it’s good to hear you have a doctor who is looking after you properly.

    Be kind to yourself. X

  5. 5 Jenny October 7, 2008 at 8:27 am

    Talking over things is a positive way forward. There is much support for you. 🙂

  6. 6 sal October 8, 2008 at 11:48 pm

    I like Thursday’s idea – go back to work with a smug little smile because you’re going to find something better soon, and have the pleasure of telling them to stuff their job up their uncaring bums.

  7. 7 nathaliewithanh October 15, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    Ok, my dear, time to give us some news. Are you doing all right?


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