Archive for September, 2009

Solitude

I walked up the Wrekin – a local hill – at the weekend. It was a beautiful morning. The sky was as blue as you like, and it was actually warm for once.

I was a little later getting up there than I’d intended, but I still managed to be there in time to see the mist rolling away from the valleys below. I could practically see the sun burning it off. (Note to self – get there earlier next time.)

This little ‘lone tree’ stood out to me.

Solitude

I’m kind of like that little tree. Often to be found on my own. It’s not so bad when it’s ‘alone’. That means independent, self-sufficient, autonomous. It’s when it gets to be ‘lonely’ that it’s not so good. I’m a bit of both and it depends which way the wind is blowing I think!

I’m very used to the ‘alone’ bit. As an only child, I’ve done that my whole life – you have to be able to amuse yourself. It would be nice to be able to share stuff with someone though. I do sometimes get a bit fed-up of always doing stuff on my own. And I’ve had more weekends than I care to remember where I realise I haven’t actually spoken out loud from Friday evening til Monday morning.

On the other hand I’m not sure I’d be much good at it. I have a horrible feeling I may be too used to being on my own. I don’t exactly have much confidence over the whole arena either. I’ve never been in ‘the in crowd’, I’m not very good at trusting people or believing they might actually like me. (I think that’s a bit of a throw back to the way my mum treated me.) I still have lot of silly anxieties about things which I think would put people off. Etc etc.

Some of my friends occasionally try and egg me on to go speed dating. I can’t think of anything worse. Well…okay I can, but you know what I mean. Moot point anyway cos it’s never going to happen!! That sort of thing just feels too ‘predatory’ to me. But I turn my nose up at that and in the next breath end up thinking ‘nice person going to waste here’. My own worst enemy.

Oh well. If it ever happens it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t.

See that’s what happens if you go up the Wrekin on a lovely, warm, sunny morning. You end up sitting there, watching the mist burn off and contemplating stuff.

On top of the Wrekin

We all know the answer’s 42 anyway.